Mr. James Flaherty, M.P.

Minister of Finance

House of Commons

Ottawa, Ontario

K1A 0A5

March 14, 2014

Dear Mr. Flaherty:

There have been reports of suicides and deaths under mysterious circumstances among the financial community. The Financial Post of March 13, 2014 ran the following headline: New York financial worker jumps in front of train. Why are traders (literally) killing themselves? In the most recent example, a bankster threw himself in front of a New York City subway train. I’m sure you will agree that this is an unspeakable tragedy; one in which the subway driver will have to live with for the rest of his life.

I don’t know the exact number of banksters who have chosen to off themselves, however I would submit that it is not nearly enough. Russia Today recently reported the number to be eleven, including a female “bitcoin executive” who performed Seppuku in Singapore.

I would further submit that many, many more banksters will have to shuffle off their mortal coils before our planet sees legitimate economic recovery and our children know the freedom that you and I grew up in. Eleven is but a good start. But even one million deceased financial services workers is not enough. Personally, I don’t think any number less than six will suffice.

As a conservative, I believe your party could actually unite the left and the right if it embraced the environmental movement. Banksters are known for consuming the Earth’s resources at a rate far higher than their proportion of the population. While the average worker might drive around in a small car or pick-up truck (if he or she is really lucky), or rides the city bus, our bankster friends tend to favour high-powered sports cars. Wall Street executives have their own jets. I ride Amtrak. Who do you think is doing more damage to mother Earth?

As you know, the most prosperous of the banking community lean towards Bugattis and Rollers. This is not an environmentally unsustainable lifestyle.

As you may be aware, our country has been especially ravaged by global warming this winter. What better way to combat toxic greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide by removing millions of CO2 emitters all at once?

As one of the chief promoters of cap-and-trade as well as carbon credit exchanges, I believe a mass die-off among banksters is a program Goldman Sachs could get behind. What better example could Lloyd Blankfein set for mankind than for he and his most trusted colleagues to throw themselves from the 44^th floor of the Goldman Sachs Tower in New York City? As a bonus, God could personally express his gratitude to Mr. Blankfein for having selflessly carried out His work on this planet.

Sir, for the good of humanity, I beg you to contact every single one of your acquaintances in the banking community around the world and for them, in turn, to spread the word to their subordinates. Their planet needs them to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Failing that, may I suggest that a joint meeting of the World Economic Forum, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Trilateral Commission and the Bilderberg Group be held, and that – in keeping with the Charter House penchant for secrecy and seclusion – it be held in Pakistan’s Swat Valley. Preliminary rounds may be necessary. I would suggest they be held in Baghdad, followed by Tripoli. After all, who other than Pakistan, has benefited from the humanitarianism and generosity of the banking community more than Iraq and Libya?

Actually, a round of meetings in Detroit might not hurt, either.